PART 2: Things to stop doing if you really want to find love or be in a relationship

 

3.QUIT PLAYING A ROLE/FITTING A MOLD

So many of us fall into this trap of trying to play a role in order to get the guy. Maybe it’s due to societal conditioning or maybe because deep down we don’t feel good enough. But you can’t form a genuine connection with someone if you’re pretending to be something you’re not or trying to fit a guy’s ideal vision of the kind of woman he wants.

I have a friend who is just so got it together on the outside- she is polished and sophisticated and just seems so fine all the time. She went through a period where she would date one guy after the next and with each one the relationship just fizzled away. Why? Because there was no genuine connection. She portrayed herself as being so fine and having it all so together it was impenetrable and you just can’t connect this way. Love is about being seen and known and vulnerable. This doesn’t need to happen right away and should be a gradual process. But you can’t really get to a deeper place unless you peel back some of those layers.

4. QUIT PLAYING THE VICTIM.

You are not single because there is some grand conspiracy to keep you this way. You are not the only one who dated a great guy who turned out to be a jerk, who feels that all the good guys are taken, who feels like they just aren’t good at dating apps and online dating and hence doomed to fail. It isn’t just you! But it’s easier to place the blame elsewhere… anywhere that doesn’t fall on you.

There are going to be things in our lives that are out of our control and some of them can have a really strong impact on us but we have the choice of how we hold onto or let go of those things.

Take control of the narrative and re-frame the way you look at your circumstances. You get to choose who to be in the story of your life: are you the tragic victim or the triumphant heroine?

5. QUIT IDEALIZING YOUR EX'S

Most of us are not aware of all the ways our past can bleed into our present and future if left unchecked.

The reason it’s so hard to get over an ex is oftentimes due to the stories we tell ourselves about what happened and why. So if he left you for someone else, you may tell yourself it’s because you’re unworthy… that you weren’t good enough. If you fought constantly you might blame yourself and think it was all your fault and that you mess everything up. This faulty belief get wired in and then it becomes part of your story. You start to expect negative outcomes… and then you experience them.

If you’ve been hurt in the past, try to see if you can identify any old wounds you’re still carrying around with you. Think about how you interpreted the situation at the time and see if you can spot any faulty beliefs about yourself that may have developed. Then do whatever you need to in order to correct those. It isn’t always easy but it’s necessary for your healing.

6. QUIT STRESSING.

I talk a lot about how stressing basically ruins everything, because it does and because this is something so many of us do.

You have to get your mind under control, you can’t let worried thoughts dominate you because they will ruin your life and block you from forming a genuine connection and finding happiness.

And when has stressing over something ever gotten you the thing?

It just uses up all your mental energy and depletes you and again, gets you nowhere!

Have faith that things will work out for you, maybe there aren’t working out in the exact way you want in the exact moment you want… but it will happen. It will be OK.

Pain can be familiar and so being hard on yourself is comforting in a way because that’s all you’ve known, it feels like returning home. But you have to fight against the tide so you can preprogram the way you see yourself and your life.